Control Freak, Surrenders

Yowzas! I signed up for Power 2019 with Elizabeth Dialto and it is POWERFUL! I'm not going to get into the program here, I'm just sharing what it's been doing in my life.

The first 3 months are all about surrender and release. We have mantras and movements to work within this structure. I had zero awareness, prior to this, on how much I love CONTROL!

I had a small inkling control was an issue when my family repeatedly told me, "Uh, you're so controlling, or you always have to have the last word," so, I started doing the work of letting go.

I breathe into the moments I want to tell someone how to do something, or give unsolicited advice. Instead of speaking, I breathe. I thought doing this would shut this issue down, and I'd skip away never wanting to control anything again.

WRONG. Way wrong.

The last 3 months have proven to me, how much I use the need to control, to protect myself from getting hurt and being vulnerable. I see this manifest in relationships more than anything else.

If I can control the interaction and not say or do anything too obnoxious, then this person won't have a reason to leave me.

(Cue 80's sitcom laugh track).

No matter how much I love someone, or try to please them, I cannot stop them from leaving me, or wanting something different.

What matters?

Me, knowing I am enough. I am enough as I am. Learning my value and self worth has been a huge part in healing for me. There are so many layers to trauma. One of the sly and mysterious ones, are hidden fears.

My hidden fear of being rejected and abandoned has influenced the way my mind responds to situations and how it determines the need to protect or encourage me.

Doing this healing work isn't easy. Writing about it, even weirder. But it feels like its what I am supposed to be doing. A friend posted something about trusting God in her call to share her story.

It made me think about what I've been avoiding because of fear of rejection and abandonment. I've been so worried about what everyone else is doing, and rushing to do something similar, I forgot to think about why I wanted to do it in the first place.

Worrying and placing my attention on others, and what if they disappear, if I am really, truly honest, made ME disappear. Watering myself down to what I believed was acceptable.

Now I'm digging through all of it, searching for ME. I'm surrendering what I think it's supposed to look like, and embracing the magic of not knowing.

In this moment, I live for discovery and exploration, for surrender and release, for trusting God and on my journey. For embracing my SOUL.

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